I'm reading the Duggar book, 20 and Counting, for the third time. I really enjoy this book! The stories, the testimonies, are all so real. I love the fact that they are willing to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, rather than sugar-coat their lives to make it seem like everything in their home is perfect. No one would believe that anyway.
So many people are critical of the Duggars, though. I find it astounding how people will nit-pick at things and create scenarios that don't exist or exaggerate what they think is obvious because they only see what's on the surface. I thought I'd take a look at their family from the perspective of how I grew up, and see just how different they are from other families.
There were 4 kids in my household. I'm the oldest. My mom's intention was to have just 2 children, but lo and behold, her second pregnancy produced twins. She went from one to three in one fell swoop. It was hard for her, because I was 4 1/2 years old and the twins were born the same month I started half-day kindergarten. It was a lot of work, that's for sure. Just when she thought she had everything under control, along comes my baby sister when I was 9 1/2. The difference, of course, was that now I was old enough to help, and even the twins were almost 5 so they could do their part as well. It was expected that we all pitch in, but as the oldest more was expected of me. At the age of 9 my mother began teaching me to cook. I could prepare breakfast for my brother & sister so my mom could tend to the baby, and even prepare lunch if necessary. I was in charge of fixing the beds because my younger siblings couldn't reach so well. I also kept them entertained whenever my mom was busy doing laundry, making meals, or cleaning.
Now, many people hear this and think, "Tsk tsk, she had no childhood, she had to help raise her younger brother & sisters, too bad." Nothing could be further from the truth! I had FUN with my brother & sisters. Yes, I was expected to do chores & help around the house. That's what families do. It doesn't mean I was raising my siblings. My mom was a stay at home mom. She was there all day with us. The fact that I helped out was for 2 reasons: 1) so that my mom could get everything done without killing herself, and 2) so that I could learn these skills for the future. Remember the old saying, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime? If my mom did everything for us, how were we going to learn to take care of ourselves? We'd grow up being useless to ourselves and to everyone else. The best way to learn is hands-on, and that's the kind of teaching my mom gave us. Of course, I won't tell you I became an expert at everything. Mom taught us to sew, knit and crochet, but these were skills I flopped at for the most part. But I can cook a whole Thanksgiving dinner that everyone enjoys.
Being the oldest meant I had to set the right example. I admit I didn't always like this part. How many times did my mom say to me, "You're older, you should know better. They're only (blank) years old." Oh, I hated that! Because, of course, it was true. I DID know better, but once in a while I wanted to be babied a little. That's part of growing up, I suppose. There's moments when you wish you were already an adult, then 5 minutes later you wish you were still being rocked to sleep by Mommy & Daddy.
What bugged me the most, however, was that my sister's were always imitating me. Ugh! If I watched TV, they watched TV. If I wanted to read a book instead, they wanted to read a book. If I made a sandwich, they wanted a sandwich. I felt like I had 2 shadows following me around! I would actually complain to my mom, "Can't they stop doing everything I do?!" I didn't understand it then, but they wanted to be just like me. This is something that happens to all older kids, whether you have one sibling or 10. The oldest is always looked up to. It's something we have to accept. We can't change our birth order. Thankfully I learned to appreciate this, and my younger sister is my best friend because of it.
As I look at the Duggar children, I put myself in their place. Yes, there are much more siblings to contend with, but I think the circumstances are the same. The older children are watched by the younger ones and are expected to set a good example, just like I was. As the kids get old enough, they're expected to help with chores so they can learn life lessons, just like I was. They have their responsibilities, but Mom is always there, and there's plenty of time to have fun, just like I had.
This is not to say that everyone's situation is the same as mine, or as the Duggars'. I've heard people who came from big families complain about the amount of responsibilities they had. Upon digging deeper, though, you find the circumstances weren't the same. Maybe their mom had to work and the oldest was left tending to the younger ones. Maybe dad wasn't in the picture at all. What I am saying, is that just because a family is large doesn't mean the older children lose out on being kids. It doesn't have to be that way at all. For me personally, when I had my first child I was sure he wouldn't be my last. I'd loved and enjoyed my own siblings too much to deprive my son of that joy. I suspect the same will be true of the Duggar kids. The more the merrier!
