Where To Start...

It's been just over 4 1/2 years since I last posted on this blog. On the one hand it doesn't feel like it's been that long; on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago. There have been many times when I thought about getting back on. Many times when I looked back on my blogging and thought, I sure do miss putting my thoughts down here. Many, many times...

Part of the reason was trouble with my login. But that, I knew, was easy enough to fix. The main reason was, I couldn't find the words. I felt like I was stuck in a whirlwind and couldn't get out. All I wanted to do was scream. I had moments when I didn't want to talk, didn't want to journal, didn't even want to think. It was a difficult time, but you know what? God saw me through it. I've come out stronger and more sure of my faith. Life isn't perfect; I don't expect it to be. I'm okay with that.

So I've decided to start blogging again. And the first question I asked myself was, "Where do I start?" I think Julie Andrews answered that best. Start at the beginning. It's a very fine place to start.

Our beloved Molly died in September of 2015. I tried blogging the following October but I was still grieving. Little did I know what was about to come next. In January 2016 my husband (whom I was separated from) came to my house and told me he was purchasing a house for himself. Not only that, he wanted me to help him finance it. Yes, he wanted me to help him purchase a house that he would be sharing with his girlfriend. I said no, absolutely not. If he wanted to buy a house he was welcome to do it after he was divorced from me, but I certainly was not going to help him. Well, after 4 years of separation he agreed to a divorce. Or so I thought.

I called my lawyer and began divorce proceedings. At the same time, the church I'd been attending for 8 years was in a whirlwind storm of its own, and it was splitting. I'd never experienced a church split, and I never want to again. It was so ugly, so un-Christlike. The church was as divided as the Senate. There was mishandling of church funds, accusations flowing left and right, and people leaving the church faster than you can say Help me Jesus. Folks I'd considered my friends suddenly stopped talking to me or kept their conversations to a superficial minimum. At a time when I needed my friends the most, they were disappearing. Talk about the worst timing ever.

My daughter had some friends at a local church and she told me I should try it. This church had gone through its own problems some 9 years prior, but through prayer and dedication it was growing and healthy. I started the transition in February, the same time the divorce papers were filed. Well, wouldn't you know it, as soon as my husband J got the paperwork he refused to sign. He called me to chew me out, saying there was no way he was going to sign anything. I didn't listen to most of what he said, until he told me I was ungrateful. It was as if he'd slapped me in the face. I don't think he expected what came next; even I didn't expect what came next. I told him off so bad. Everything I'd bottled up inside for the past 4 years came pouring out. I made it clear that this divorce was going to go through because I was not going to continue putting up with the humiliation of being married to a man that was living with another woman, and I meant it. It took 11 months from the day the petition was first put in, but in December of 2016 my divorce became final. I'm not going to go into all the details of everything that went on during that time. Suffice it to say, it was a difficult year.

In the meantime, I began to attend our new church. I'd attended a couple of churches before, but I have to say, I'd never experienced so much love in such a small building. Genuine love, that extended beyond the walls of the church building. I'm convinced God brought me to the place I needed to be at the time I needed to be there. It was slow for me; after everything I was going through, I didn't think I could ever trust anyone. It was like I'd built a wall around my heart, and I was gonna make sure no one penetrated it. Right. As if God wasn't powerful enough to take it down.

2016 was a hard, painful year. I don't like looking back at it too much. But one thing I learned, Romans 8:28 is true: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." God taught me so much during that year, and I grew, spiritually and emotionally.

I think I'm going to stop there. I can't fit 4 1/2 years into one blogpost. Just looking at 2016 has been draining and comforting at the same time. That's a lot of emotions for one day! Maybe a post per week, maybe more. We'll see. In the meantime, thanks for spending some time here. God bless.